The World Record Book of Racist Stories Read online

  Note to Readers: In recounting the events in this book, chronologies have been compressed or altered and details have been changed to assist the narrative. Where dialogue appears, the intention was to re-create the essence of conversations rather than verbatim quotes. Names and identifying characteristics of some individuals have been changed.

  This book reflects the authors’ lives faithfully rendered to the best of their ability. Some names and identifying details have been changed.

  Copyright © 2022 by Amber Ruffin and Lacey Lamar

  Cover design by Albert Tang

  Cover photo © Lloyd Bishop

  Cover copyright © 2022 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.

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  First edition: November 2022

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  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Ruffin, Amber, author. | Lamar, Lacey, author.

  Title: The world record book of racist stories / Amber Ruffin and Lacey Lamar.

  Description: First edition. | New York : Grand Central Publishing, 2022.

  Identifiers: LCCN 2022026047 | ISBN 9781538724552 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781538724576 (ebook)

  Subjects: LCSH: Racism—Humor. | United States—Race relations—Humor.

  Classification: LCC PN6231.R25 R84 2022 | DDC 818/.602—dc23/eng/20220713

  LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2022026047

  ISBNs: 9781538724552 (hardcover), 9781538724576 (ebook)

  E3-20221021-NF-DA-ORI

  Table of Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Introduction

  Chapter One: Son of a Gun!

  Chapter Two: What’s Wrong with You?

  Chapter Three: Mommy and Daddy Stories

  The JC Penney Original Story

  Chapter Four: Why Don’t You Believe Me?

  Chapter Five: Don’t Go in That Store

  Chapter Six: Chrystal’s in the Mix!

  Chapter Seven: Most White Privilege

  Chapter Eight: Look at These Dicks

  Chapter Nine: Commiserating Feels Fine!

  Chapter Ten: My Sister the Reverend

  Chapter Eleven: It’s Me Again!

  Chapter Twelve: All Dogs Go to Heaven

  Discover More

  About the Authors

  This book is dedicated to all white people everywhere… Just kidding! The opposite of that! This book is dedicated to our family and friends who experienced all these stories with us…

  Just kidding, this book is dedicated to El DeBarge!

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  One night, a few years ago, my white, male friend was late for a date with his wife. So, he was driving hastily and blew through a four-way stop sign. Immediately behind him he sees flashing lights. He’s getting pulled over. He’s in a car with very tinted windows in a Black neighborhood. He knew the police thought they were pulling over a Black person. The cop gets out of the car, and right away, unholsters his gun.

  Just a quick aside in the story—my friend is saying “unholstered his gun” in a way that leads me to believe that is not what he is used to when being approached by a cop. Fun!

  My friend rolled his window down and stuck both hands out as the officer approached. When the officer gazed upon my friend’s lily-white skin, he instantly holstered his gun. The cop asked politely why he had blown through the four-way stop sign. My friend told the officer he had just finished coaching soccer for a neighborhood school and one of the kids had left his book bag at the school and he was rushing to return it.

  Just a quick reminder that this is a lie.

  My bud gestured to the back seat where his own backpack was. The officer asked for his license and registration. BOTH HAD EXPIRED.

  Another quick aside to Black people to say, oh my god, you know that if your shit was expired you would not be going home that night. Except to your new home, JAIL FOREVER.

  The officer says it will be just a minute and goes back to his car. My friend says he was gone maybe four minutes and returns and informs him that he really should take him in for the expired license and registration but instead, “I decided just to give you a ticket for both.”

  I am not kidding when I say, I did not know they could just give you a ticket for that. This book is educational. The person writing it is being educated. My word.

  So, the officer gives him two tickets and sends him off on his merry way. He arrives at his dinner with his wife and all is well. After a short time, he receives a call. It’s the damn OFFICER!!

  And this is where this story enters a realm of whiteness that I have only imagined.

  The officer starts off APOLOGIZING for giving him a ticket in the first place. The cop says, “I can tell you were only trying to help your community, and I feel really bad for pulling you over. Hey, just rip up your ticket and I’ll get rid of it on my end.” Can you stand it?! Not to put too fine a point on it but, to this cop, giving a white guy tickets he deserves is considered too cruel.

  Guys. I frigging love this story. Now, this isn’t indicative of what you will find in this book, it’s just the story that shocks me the most. I mean, I know, I know, I know, but daaang. Just thought we should take a look at the unbelievable before we dive in.

  This is the World Record Book of Racist Stories brought to you by the Ruffins. The Ruffins are the cutest family you have ever seen in your dang life! Mom and Dad are from Georgia and Virginia and they moved to Omaha because they were stationed there when they were in the Air Force.

  I’m clearing that up because I don’t want you to think these two Black adults looked at a map of America and pointed to the dead center, and said, “There! This is the perfect place for our kids!” It was more of a “We’ve been living here for so long and now we are part of the community” type of thing.

  So, this is the second book of racist stories our family has endured. For the first book, most of the stories centered around Lacey, and they were almost impossible to believe. Hence the title, You’ll Never Believe What Happened to Lacey. But this book is gonna be a little different. Instead of just me and Lacey, there are stories about the whole family, all our siblings, and even some friends. We felt how great it was to air out our own dirty racist laundry and thought it would be cool to give other people the chance to do the same thing. And I think we are right!

  Okay, so, we wrote this book for several reasons.

  People honestly thought we didn’t have more stories. So, it’s kinda like a dare.

  We like hanging out with each other.

  It is good for you to write these stories down and let them go. It’s pretty cool for a bunch of people to read them and shout into their books, “I know THAT’S right” or “I hate this! It can’t be true!” But even just writing them out gives you a second to look at and process all this stuff.

  We can’t let one of us write down these stories alone.

  That is true! Because Amber would write everyone’s real first and last names, and we would get in trouble. I know you think she has common sense but she does not.

  I honestly think I’m right on this one. I want everyone in this book to be put the fuck on blast! But I know that’s not allowed, so we don’t. So, if you feel like you recognize someone from one of these stories and their name is in this book, it is not them because I was forced to use a fake name!

  Why are you acting like you have ever remembered a single person’s name?

  Because I remember everyone’s name.

  Okay. What’s the name of my child?

  Jarvis.

  No.

  Point taken. Can you believe there’s enough stories for two whole books? I can! FYI: You’ll be able to tell the difference between this book and the last book. This one’s gonna be a bit heavier. A touch more serious. The reason for that is with the first book, Lacey and I got to giggle through silly racism stories, and it felt great. So, if the family wants to share their stories too, however they want to share, we welcome that. We want them to feel great and heard and blah, blah, bloo. There’s plenty of silliness, it’s just that the rest of the family is less likely to remember the funnier racist stories. They have not been keeping journals. But those terrible, scary racist stories? Maaaan, they remember those like a
mug. So, to emotionally prepare you, I’d call this book fifty-fifty silly-scary racist stories. Okay? So, don’t come to me talking about “It wasn’t like the first book” ’cause you’ve been warned. It started with a white person story, for Pete’s sake. It’s gonna be a little different, okay?!

  Soooo, what else do you need to know… My family is from Omaha, Nebraska, and Lacey still lives there. Racism is what you would expect in Omaha. There’re more Black people than you think but also those racists are bold as hell! I live in New York City now, and I work in comedy, so I do not have nearly as many racist encounters as my family does. But I grew up in Omaha so I get it. And we think it’s important to be able to say out loud (or write out loud) the racist things that have happened to you. It’s okay to call racist things racist, and it’s okay to be hurt by them. It’s okay to laugh at them, it’s okay to keep them to yourself, and luckily, it’s okay to put all of ’em in a book and put some motherfuckers on blast! Just kidding. All the names have been changed unless they’re our little friends.

  Oh. And when you see Helvetica, it’s Amber.

  And when you see Bembo, it’s Lacey!

  As Lacey and I tell you our family’s stories, please remember that she is old and gross, and I’m young and beautiful.

  Okay, so just right out of the gate, you need to know that Amber is a fool.

  A beautiful fool. Breathtaking, really. Okay. Lacey, please stop going on and on about my severe case of the cutes! Are we ready to start this book?

  Yes! Yay!

  Chapter One

  Son of a Gun!

  **approaches podium in a super-fancy ball gown**

  Welcome to the World Record Book of Racist Stories Awards! We are going to be awarding some prestigious titles tonight to people who have really earned them. Now, what is a racist? Is it just a confused person who means well but blah, blah, blah? No. A racist is a turd.

  Ooh! Quick sidenote: We will not be explaining shit in this book. So, if you want to know why we did what we did or if you want someone to explain what racism is, I cannot help you.

  Ooh! Side sidenote: Some of you, as you read this book, will want us to lament about how sad it is being in this cruel world, and you’ll want to see some of that trauma porn-ish Black pain, but I’m sorry to report, reading this book will leave you unsatisfied.

  Our esteemed judges, Mommy, Daddy, Chrystal, Angie, Lacey, Jimmy, and Amber have searched their memories to bring you the best of the best. These racists we’re honoring tonight have really applied themselves to their crafts. They’ve spent years preparing for these interactions. They’re excellent at racism. As they would say about us, it’s in their blood. First up, our award for:

  Least “All Black People Look Alike”

  I was once pulled over while entering a ramp to the interstate. There was no reason for me to be pulled over. I had done everything right. I was going under the speed limit. My tags were good. We all know why I’m being pulled over. It was the middle of the day. So, I was immediately less scared than normal. The cop approaches the car. Now, we both know he’s pulled me over for no reason. The trick here is sussing out whether he pulled me over because he’s angry and racist or just racist. The way he started talking to me let me know he’s pretty chill. As a result, I mustered up the courage to ask the officer why I was being pulled over. Now, that sounds like nothing, but the amount of courage it takes to ask an officer WHY you’re being pulled over is the same amount it takes to fight a bear because that shit could have the same result. I knew there was no excuse and that he probably wouldn’t shoot me in broad daylight. So, I ask him and his reply is, “We are just doing some checks in the area.”

  What the hell is he checking on? Checking to see if my rights are still intact? THEY’RE NOT! Also, is this even a thing officers say?

  Anyway, this guy asks me for my license and registration. I give him both. He immediately looks at my license and says, “This doesn’t even look like you.” I can’t begin to explain to you how this picture looked EXACTLY like me. I know what you’re thinking: Your hair was different. Nope! It was exactly the same. The license was old. Nope. I had just gotten the license a few weeks before the stop. I tell him, “Actually, I just got this license a few weeks ago, and it couldn’t look more like me.” He gives me a sarcastic laugh and “No it doesn’t!” Now, some days you have common sense but this was not me on this day. Instead of being quiet and respectful I say back to him, “Yes it does.” I don’t know where I got the bravery from but as he walks away he yells back, “NO IT DOESN’T!” So I yell back even louder, “YES IT DOES!” After about ten minutes he comes back to my car and says all of my information checks out, and I can go. As he hands my license back to me he says, “This picture still doesn’t look anything like you.” I say back to him, “Yes it does, it looks just exactly like me.” This is coming from a white police officer who works in a Black neighborhood, and he can’t tell if a Black woman looks like the picture she presents to him? How can he be sure he’s got the right suspect if he can’t match a picture with a face?! What the hell will this man do if he accidentally stumbles upon a missing child? Carry around the milk carton with him to prove to her she’s not the one who is missing? Poor hypothetical child.

  The next day at work, I tell a white coworker that I was pulled over for no reason. He immediately tells me this just doesn’t happen and there is always a reason. I tell him about the whole exchange, and he’s shocked. This might be the first time he has heard a story like this from a person of color. He assures me that “doing some checks in the area” is not a thing. He looks at my license and all he says is “Wow, you may be right about that officer.” My favorite thing to do was to show people the picture and ask them if they could believe he didn’t think it looked like me. They can’t. Also unbelievable: Our third-grade playground back-and-forth of “No, it doesn’t!” “Yes, it does!” Ha, ha, ha! So lucky to be alive!

  Worst Member of the ASPCA

  I was working at a retirement home and a white coworker was trying to talk to me about race during the morning meeting.

  Sidenote: Almost every morning meeting I have ever had is, at best, very bad. I cannot explain why this is the place for people’s racism to come out. I’m not a scientist, but I assume it’s because a lot of your racist coworkers wake up chock-full of racism and it has to come out early or else it puts their Black coworkers in danger of having a good day.

  We have just had a very serious conversation about a resident who refuses to be helped by Black staff. This person does nothing but berate Black employees with racial slurs and sometimes physically tries to harm them. As I’m explaining how difficult it is to work with this resident and that several staff members are thinking about quitting because of him, my white coworker chimes in. I am not kidding you when I tell you this woman says, “I understand how hard it is being Black. Have you ever heard of the black dog campaign?”

  Girrrrrrrrlllll, so you know about being paralyzed with fear? Well, at this moment, I am paralyzed with racism. I know exactly what this woman’s next words will be, and I know that they will be so racist that I’ll remember them forever. Yet I am unable to stop the impending doom (or rather, impending dumb). I’m trying to figure out who in the world I can call to bail me out of jail. Who am I kidding? My bail will be set too high, and I will spend the rest of my life in prison. Deep breath. This woman says, “You know, black dogs never get adopted so it’s very hard for them in the shelters because they are the first to be euthanized.” Please. In the name of sweet Black baby Jesus explain to me what this has to do with this conversation? We are talking about human beings and this bitch is like “all dogs matter.” Anyways, after she says that, I fight her, and spend the rest of my life in jail. Just kidding. But I wish I had.

  Best Example of Why We Need Diversity Training at Diversity Training

  This one is my favorite because I remember years ago when this happened and how hard I laughed. Lacey used to work with a man who was from a small town with absolutely no people of color, and it showed every time he opened his mouth. Let’s call him Chris. When Lacey first met him, he would often ask her if she would get him a coffee from the break room. Like he was in charge of her. He was not. Lacey would always say the same thing, “No. I am never going to get you coffee because I am not your secretary. I’m no one’s secretary. But if I were someone’s secretary, it would not be for you because you do not have one.” She had been at this company over ten years before he started working there and had never gotten anyone a cup of coffee. Chris would have to stay thirsty. For his first three months Chris constantly would ask Lacey about running track. Running track. Running. Lacey has not run since 1985. She does like to go to the gym, but she has always hated cardio. I mean hate it. She very does not run. If a bear was chasing her, she would lie down, sprinkle some salt on herself, and hand the bear a fork.